POLITICIAN VS NORMAL PERSON

 

  Why can’t politicians speak plain English? It’s as if they’ve all been trained in the fine art of speaking in a special, nonsensical politician code so that they never have to answer a question directly.

   Having a conversation with a politician is like this...

NORMAL PERSON: Is it raining outside?

POLITICIAN: You know, precipitation comes in many forms. It can come frozen like snow. Snow is cold. When it accumulates, you can make a snowman? Should you take snowman making classes before you attempt to make one or should you just dive into the process? There are many factors involved with precipitation.

NORMAL PERSON: Uh, okay, but do I need an umbrella?

POLITICIAN: Umbrellas keep you dry when it rains. They protect you. They provide a service by protecting you from the rain just like public officials provide a service to the people. I work for the people as a representative of the people. So in a sense, I’m kind of like a political umbrella for the people.

NORMAL PERSON: Do I need a political umbrella because it’s raining?

POLITICIAN: Hey, we all could argue the point of whether or not a political umbrella is needed at some point in all of our lives.

NORMAL PERSON: Listen! I just want to know if water is coming out of the sky! Can you tell me that? Is water coming out of the sky?  

POLITICIAN: You know, water is made up of more than one component. You have your

hydrogen and you have oxygen. They both have to unite and work as a team to give you H20. Working together. That’s the basis of teamwork. Teamwork is what we should all strive for.

NORMAL PERSON: IS IT RAINING OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW? YES OR NO? JUST YES OR NO!

POLITICIAN: Yes or no equals the affirmative and the negative. The affirmative is the opposite of negative. Thusly, they conflict with one another. If they conflict, they don’t agree. And if they don’t agree, they can’t be united. If they can’t be united, they can’t work as a team. The teamwork would not exist amongst them.

NORMAL PERSON: All right. My head hurts now. I’m just gonna go outside. I don’t care if it’s hailing out there.

POLITICIAN: Hey, wait! Can I count on your vote in the next election?

NORMAL PERSON: You know, a vote is like rain. Sometimes it rains. Sometimes it doesn’t. If it rains, and you have a lawn, then that’s good for your grass. If you don’t have a lawn, then you just get wet.

POLITICIAN: That means no doesn’t it?

NORMAL PERSON: You’re a very wise political umbrella.      

Random Thought

I don't have a smartphone. Nowadays, it seems as if everyone has a smartphone, but I don't have a smartphone. My cell phone allows me to call people, and people can call me. So I guess it's not a complete moron.

ME, MY BOOK AND THE ROBBER by Patricia G

   If a robber came to my home, and I caught him trying to steal my stuff, I’d say,

ME: Hey, you don’t live here!

ROBBER: I know that. I’m taking your stuff.

ME: You can’t have my stuff!

ROBBER: Why not?

ME: Because it’s not your stuff. You just admitted that it’s my stuff. Wait. Are you taking my vase that was on my table?

ROBBER: Yeah.

ME: That vase was next to a copy of my book. How come you didn’t take my book?

ROBBER: Vases are more valuable than dumb old books.

ME: Hey, that’s not just any book. That’s my book. I wrote it.

ROBBER: You’re a writer?

ME: Yes, and I wrote that book. It’s called Funny?: A Potentially Humorous Collection of Writing and Art, and it’s more valuable than some old vase.

ROBBER: Oh yeah?

ME: Yeah, because it has sentimental value. Sentimental value outranks retail value any day.

ROBBER: Really?

ME: Darn right. How dare you insult me by not trying to steal my book?

ROBBER: Oh, uh...I’m sorry?

ME: Are you asking me if you’re sorry?

ROBBER: I’m not sure. I’m kinda confused now. See, I just came here to rob you blind. I wasn’t tryin’ to insult you.

ME: Well, you did.

ROBBER: Oh. Sorry then.

ME: Your apology means nothing to me. You’re still holding that vase instead of my book.

ROBBER: (puts vase back and picks up book to read its cover) Funny?: A Potentially Humorous Collection of Writing and Art by Patricia G. Are you Patricia G?

ME: Of course, I am. I just told you I wrote that book.

ROBBER: Why is there a question mark after the word funny?

ME: Because I wasn’t sure if people would think my book was funny or not. So I’m sort of asking the reader if he or she thinks it’s funny.

ROBBER: Oh, that’s clever.

ME: Really?

ROBBER: Yeah. This cartoon on the cover is cute. Did you draw it?

ME: Yes, I did. Thank you. Glad you like it.

ROBBER: I never met a real writer before. So you wouldn’t mind if I took this book?

ME: Not as long as you post a book review of it on Amazon.com. Oh, wait. Maybe that won’t be possible.

ROBBER: Why not?

POLICE OFFICER: (pounds on the front door): Open up! It’s the police!

ME: (To Robber) I called 911 earlier when I heard you fumbling around in my living room. You really ought to get some quieter shoes.

ROBBER: Oh shoot.

ME: But hey, if they have Internet access in jail, can I count on a book review?

ROBBER: Guess so. Amazon.com?

ME: Yep. Thanks a lot. 

     

Something I didn't put in Funny?

    For those of you who will or already have read my book, Funny?: A Potentially Humorous Collection of Writing and Art, there is a character in it named Little Jackie. She’s the little girl on the cover of the book who likes to speak her mind when given the chance. Below is an extra bit of Little Jackie that I didn’t end up using in Funny?.

LITTLE JACKIE (extra)

My name is Little Jackie.

I am five years old. Yay!

When I dream about cookies,

I always seem to have a good day.

One night I dreamt about chocolate chip cookies.

Tasty and chewy

I love them.

Yes, I do.

When I woke up, I got hugs and kisses from my mommy,

and my daddy took us to the zoo.

Another night, I dreamt of sugar cookies.

Sweet and yummy

I could eat them all day.

When I woke up, I didn’t have to hear my baby brother’s constant crying.

I got to go to my grandma’s house to play.

Last night I dreamt of a turtle.

He was slow and quiet.

He took forever to walk from one tree to another tree.

When I woke up, I went to Pre K, told my class that my grandma was once a stripper

and then ended up being sent to children’s therapy.    

LITTLE JACKIE MOTHER’S DAY

Mommies are nice.

They give kisses and hugs.

Mommies give love

even when you accidentally spill juice on their rugs.

Mommies are lovable.

They like to hear thank you and please.

Mommies are my favorite

coming in third after dads who give out allowances and chocolate chip cookies 

Spending Time With the Author Patricia G

WHAT IS YOUR BOOK ABOUT?

Funny?: A Potentially Humorous Collection of Writing and Art  is a book that promotes stress-free, happy reading. It consists of many stories, poems, essays and art about such things as:

-a woman’s questionable solution to getting a man

-stupid conversations about bears and Darth Vader

-innocent customers who refuse to be screwed over by cupcakes

-subways that take sinners straight to hell

-colds that lead to priceless rap song duets

-a five-year-old named Little Jackie who says anything that pops into her precocious little   

   mind

-an 80s’ obsession that leads to cereal hoarding and cap gun holdups

-a great appreciation for grape jelly

Above all, it asks the reader, “Do you think any of this is funny?”

WHY DID YOU WRITE A HUMOR BOOK?

  They say laughter is the best medicine. After years of trying to get my writing career jumpstarted the way I wanted without great success, my career definitely needed some type of remedy. I wasn’t enjoying writing anymore because I felt like I was just writing for myself. I thought no one else was going to read what I created. So why bother, right?

   Creating Funny? actually became therapeutic for me. I was able to take some of my old stuff that had never been published and combine it with new stuff that I was suddenly inspired to write. As a result, something light and playful started to develop that I truly hoped people would have fun reading especially during this age when humor seems necessary. Reality is becoming alarmingly gloomy. I know I can’t turn on the news or pick up a newspaper without getting depressed by all of the negativity, sudden disasters and heartbreaking tragedies that the world has to offer nowadays. Who wants to wake up every morning to deal with that without some sort of relief?

   With Funny?, I had a chance to have fun. My silly stories and offbeat characters, etc made me smile and put me in a good mood. I wondered if anyone else would also have that reaction if they were exposed to my collection of nonsense. So I put together a humor book as just a little nugget of joy to pass onto anyone looking for a bit of laughter.

    If someone comes up to me to tell me that my poem about jelly was so ridiculously funny that it made them laugh-out-loud, I’ll feel great, knowing that I did my small part to spread a few smiles. Also, if someone gives me a winning lottery ticket worth a million dollars, that would be nice, too. I’m just saying...both of those things would be nice. One is a little nicer than the other, but they’re both good.

WHY DO YOU WRITE?

I have no choice. Ideas for stories pop into my head, and I just feel compelled to write them down on paper. If I don’t, they’ll just get clogged up in my brain, and that sounds painful. I’m not a fan of pain.

WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU WRITE?

   When I get an idea, I can jot down the overall idea on anything handy at that moment. If I’m outside, I love flyers that are blank on the back because I write on the backs since I rarely carry an official writing notepad with me.

   When I’m creating a manuscript, I like to write during the afternoon into the early evening. (I’m not telling you what type of pajamas I wear when I’m writing because that’s none of your beeswax)

HOW DO YOU WRITE?

   I have to do it all in longhand first, and then I can transfer everything that I’ve written onto my laptop. I just can’t sit at a computer and create a story because the blank screen is annoying. A blank computer screen is demanding and arrogant. It practically screams at you, “Type something on me already! If you spell something wrong, I’ll alert you by putting red lines under whatever incorrect thing you do even if the word is actually spelled correctly because I don’t recognize all proper nouns. It’s not your fault that I don’t recognize all proper nouns. I’m just a pain in the butt that way. I’m...”

   Oh, sorry. I digress. I do longhand first. Type on computer later.

ANY ADVICE FOR ASPIRING WRITERS?

   If you want to be a writer, be a writer. It’s a special thing to be. Don’t give up. Only give up if you want to earn enough money to feed, clothe and support yourself. If you’re going to be all high maintenance like that and insist on taking care of yourself financially on a consistent basis, then perhaps being a writer isn’t the greatest choice. Maybe you should become a lawyer or a doctor. They seem to do all right for themselves. Or you could write stories about vampires and wizards. Is JK Rowling a billionaire yet?

WHAT MADE YOU LAUGH RECENTLY?

   I was in a big, popular bookstore recently. I saw a pen and pencil set on sale. They had cute floral designs on them. The retail value for the set was...$30! $30? The pen wasn’t made of gold. The pencil wasn’t made of gold. The pen wasn’t even pure silver. The pencil wasn’t even pure silver. The box that they came in was some sort of plastic. The box wasn’t gold, pure silver or genuine leather. It wasn’t even some nice, shiny tin.

   There weren’t any labels on the set declaring that the pen and pencils would write forever and ever so that I could pass them down to my grandchildren that I’ll never have because I don’t intend on having any children, and you can’t get grandchildren if you don’t have children first. (This is a shame since the idea of having grandchildren is more appealing than having your own kids because you can spoil grandchildren, and then go home. You don’t have to clean up after them or give birth to them. Wait. What was I originally talking about? Oh, $30 pen and pencil set. Right.)

   Well, I laughed when I saw the price of the pen and pencil set. It was insane. Aren’t we in a recession? With $30, I could go to a 99 cents store and get thirty packs of pens and pencils. I’m not saying they would all work properly because they’d be cheap pieces of crap, but if you want me to spend $30 on just one pen and one pencil in a plastic box, you better include some grandchildren in the deal. Wait, no. Make that puppies. Puppies are better than grandchildren. Yeah, because puppies can be taught to fetch slippers which is always charming. I don’t think it’s legal to make grandchildren fetch things.  

SOMETHING ABOUT MY NEW BOOK CALLED FUNNY?

   I’m preparing for the debut release of my upcoming humor book titled Funny?. Do you like the title? I agonized over the title for a while. If you don’t like it, please don’t tell me. Just nod, smile and say, “It’s a great title. I love it more than if it didn’t have the question mark.”

ME: Really? You love my title? Thank you. You’re too kind.

YOU: But what is the deal with the question mark?

ME: Well, I didn’t want to be presumptuous and expect everyone to think that everything in my book is funny. I thought I’d leave it up to the readers to decide what they think is funny. So it’s like I’m asking if you the reader think my book is funny. Isn’t it nice of me to leave that decision up to you readers?

YOU: Yes. You’re very kind. And talented, too. Yes, you’re very talented.

ME: Why, thank you. That’s very kind of you to say. Do you think you’ll be interested in ordering a copy of my book?

YOU: Sure.

ME: Thank you. Let me be the first to tell you how smart you are for ordering my book. Very smart indeed.

YOU: Thank you. I do like to be smart.

ME: And you are smart. You’re downright genius to order my book.

YOU: Of course. Everyone should be so smart to buy your book. Why wouldn’t someone buy your book? It’s supposed to make them laugh. Laughter is the best.

ME: Exactly. I love to laugh.

YOU: Me, too.

ME: Why would someone buy a book that makes them cry?

YOU: I don’t know. I wouldn’t. I want to laugh.

ME: Exactly.

YOU: Reality is depressing. I want to enjoy something funny.

ME: Well, my book is called Funny?. You should get it.

YOU: I am remember?

ME: Oh yeah. Yeah. You’re smart.

YOU: I know.

ME: So what are you going to do with my book after you read it?

YOU: I’m going to frame it.

ME: How can you frame a book?

YOU: After I buy your book, I’m gonna get one of those thick, box type frames for it and then stick that sucker right on in there.

ME: Oh, okay. You wouldn’t try to return it or sell it on ebay would you?

YOU: You dare insult me? I have morals and values you know.

ME: I’m sorry.

YOU: It’s okay.

ME: You wouldn’t put a cup on my book and use it as a coaster would you?

YOU: No.

ME: You wouldn’t take it out with your dog and play fetch with it would you?

YOU: Of course, not. That would be stupid. I’m smart remember?

ME: Right. Very smart. But uh...let’s go back to that ebay thing. Seriously, you wouldn’t resell it on ebay would you?

YOU: Oh, look at the time. I really must go.

ME: Hey, wait. You didn’t answer my question.

YOU: Sorry, I really must get going now, but don’t you worry. I’m going to order Funny as soon as possible.

ME: Wait, it’s called Funny?. Don’t forget the question mark!

YOU: Right. I won’t forget. Very clever of you to think that up.

ME: Thank you. Thank you very much, you smart, will order my book and read it and then frame it but won’t use it for fetch or as a coaster or to resell it on ebay person you.

YOU: You’re welcome!

TO VIEW A FREE EXCERPT OF Funny? by Patricia G, go to Amazon.com

APRIL IS POETRY MONTH?

   Apparently, April is Poetry Month. Who knew? According to Wikipedia (The Free Encyclopedia), "National Poetry Month is a celebration of poetry first introduced in 1996 by The Academy of Poetry as a way to increase awareness and appreciation of poetry in the United States."

   Okay, here is a confession of mine that just stays between us. It doesn’t go beyond this site. Agreed? Good. Here it is. I only understand my own poetry. There, I admit it! I can’t help it. How many of you are like me? Come on, show of hands here. How many of you are like me on this? (For all of you who are raising your hands right now, thank you. But you do realize I can’t see you, right? So maybe you should just put your hands down very slowly. Just pretend you were stretching if there are other people around who are wondering why you just raised your hand for no reason.)

   You see, I know what I mean when I write something because the idea and symbolism came out of my head, but I don’t always understand what other people mean when they write about something, and they’re not blunt about it.

   For example, the first two lines in the poem “Design” by Robert Frost are:

       "I found a dimpled spider, fat and white,

       On a white heal-all, holding up a moth"

   First of all, I’ve never seen a white spider before. I’ve only seen the little black ones, and have never ever felt the need to get close enough to notice if they had dimples. A dimple on a spider? What? How? Don’t want to know. I just squash them and don’t ask questions.

   Secondly, when I see heal-all, I think of something medicinal like aspirin. A spider sitting on an aspirin? Apparently not. A heal-all in this poem refers to a flower. I’ve heard of roses, tulips, and daffodils. I’ve never heard of a flower called heal-all, but whatever. If I didn’t cheat and look up the meaning of the entire poem, I wouldn’t know what Mr. Frost was writing about.

   And don’t even get me started on Shakespeare’s sonnets. I had to look up practically every other word when I read them in school. Trust me, I earned my A and my constant headaches in that Shakespeare class.

    So basically, most poems that I don’t write myself confuse me. Am I alone here?

    Well, since I mentioned poetry, I thought I’d add one to this post. Let me know what you think.

FIND ME

by

Patricia G.

Find me

Chasing dreams,

Reaching out to past goals.

See you, Dream Killer

Saying I can’t,

You so-and-so.

Catch me

Venturing out,

Blogging and Facebooking,

What’s a tweet?

Is it cheap?

Opportunity as an app?

Spotted you

Laughing still,

Aspirations ready to kill.

Thinking I won’t,

You so-and-so.

Notice me

Site creating

Risk debating

Taking leaps

Chasing dreams

Cause there’s nowhere else to go.

The other way to express this poem is...

Trying to be a dream killer?

That’s not right.

The End.

What? You expected more? I think that last part was Haiku or something. Yes, see creativity can come in many forms, I tell you. Many, many forms. Some of them are good, and some of them not so much.   

Happy Poetry Month!