Why can’t politicians speak plain English? It’s as if they’ve all been trained in the fine art of speaking in a special, nonsensical politician code so that they never have to answer a question directly.
Having a conversation with a politician is like this...
NORMAL PERSON: Is it raining outside?
POLITICIAN: You know, precipitation comes in many forms. It can come frozen like snow. Snow is cold. When it accumulates, you can make a snowman? Should you take snowman making classes before you attempt to make one or should you just dive into the process? There are many factors involved with precipitation.
NORMAL PERSON: Uh, okay, but do I need an umbrella?
POLITICIAN: Umbrellas keep you dry when it rains. They protect you. They provide a service by protecting you from the rain just like public officials provide a service to the people. I work for the people as a representative of the people. So in a sense, I’m kind of like a political umbrella for the people.
NORMAL PERSON: Do I need a political umbrella because it’s raining?
POLITICIAN: Hey, we all could argue the point of whether or not a political umbrella is needed at some point in all of our lives.
NORMAL PERSON: Listen! I just want to know if water is coming out of the sky! Can you tell me that? Is water coming out of the sky?
POLITICIAN: You know, water is made up of more than one component. You have your
hydrogen and you have oxygen. They both have to unite and work as a team to give you H20. Working together. That’s the basis of teamwork. Teamwork is what we should all strive for.
NORMAL PERSON: IS IT RAINING OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW? YES OR NO? JUST YES OR NO!
POLITICIAN: Yes or no equals the affirmative and the negative. The affirmative is the opposite of negative. Thusly, they conflict with one another. If they conflict, they don’t agree. And if they don’t agree, they can’t be united. If they can’t be united, they can’t work as a team. The teamwork would not exist amongst them.
NORMAL PERSON: All right. My head hurts now. I’m just gonna go outside. I don’t care if it’s hailing out there.
POLITICIAN: Hey, wait! Can I count on your vote in the next election?
NORMAL PERSON: You know, a vote is like rain. Sometimes it rains. Sometimes it doesn’t. If it rains, and you have a lawn, then that’s good for your grass. If you don’t have a lawn, then you just get wet.
POLITICIAN: That means no doesn’t it?
NORMAL PERSON: You’re a very wise political umbrella.